Life Runs Fast

Whoa.

It's been 13 days since I blogged.

I promise, I didn't mean to let life get in the way.

But that happens during the summer.

I last left you saying that I was having a show on the 21st.

Well, the day after (Happy 4th of July, btw), the boyfriend's car died. Long story short, his engine had to be rebuilt. Fun times.

So.

I cancelled the show and we took care of business. I didn't have to help pay for the repair or anything but he works far away and I drove him around (gas is expensive).

I will have another show closer to the holiday season and I'll keep you guys posted on that.

What else happened between now and then?

OH! I hit 100 sales on Etsy! *dance*

And now... this bracelet is selling like crazy. It's keeping me busy and I'm insanely happy about it. I feel so blessed there are people out there who like my stuff enough to buy it.

The blog will be changing a little. I have a few regular weekly post ideas bouncing around in my head. That should be fun.

I'm also working on some tutorials for the blog.

Lots of new and exciting things going around in my mind.

I'm moving forward and it's awesome.

5/15 Tuesday

-Last week was a rough week. The boyfriend's car died and I had to drive him around which I was happy to do except he was stressed which made me stressed and for two people living paycheck to paycheck, the amount that was spent on gas set all my bills back this month. Just. From. One. Week. SIGH.

-Been so sleepy lately. But only in the day time. Isn't that great? Up all night and sleeping all day. I'm going to admit to being depressed about my "job." And a dip in sales from my jewelry biz. Yep. I'm depressed.

Lilac Breasted Roller- Ink/markers on bristol board

-I put "job" in quotations because I don't work unless I have students. And I don't have students. Haven't had students since March. I'm rather depressed about that. I've done everything they tell me to do with "marketing" and it's not working. I could go on a huge rant but I won't. You never know who will find my blog :P Did I say I'm depressed?

-I woke up to a parking ticket. I forgot it was street sweeping day today and left my car in the street. So, when I finally managed to get out of bed, shower, and leave the house at 4pm, there was a nice, pale yellow piece of paper on my windshield demanding money from me. Well, get in line buddy :P

-There's a magazine I submit to regularly. I've been in almost every issue. I missed the last deadline (TODAY)... I know it's not a big deal but... well... it kind of is... to me anyway.

Ostrich Egg Shell Beads. WANT

-The only thing keeping me sane is this project I have in mind. It's a great project. I got a lot of work done on it two weeks ago. And I started it back up last night but I can't really say anything about it because I don't want to jinx it. But, it has something to do with jewelry. So that makes me happy.

 -Oh. The boyfriend got a car two days ago. So he's not so stressed out anymore. And he's keeping me together.

-Espresso helps as well.

I found this lovely article on 15 things we need to give up to be happy. It's a great article. I hope I can apply this to my life because posts like these are terribly depressing. I would much rather be doing... oh I dunno... a silk sari ribbon giveaway...

Say... now there's an idea :P Come back tomorrow!

Stick a Pin in It

When I'm upset, I go onto Pinterest and look at pretty things. I pin random things that make me smile. Sorry to my Pinterest Peeps for all the new pins this morning.

pretty shoes

I'm mad. Like. Really mad and sad and losing sleep kind of mad. I don't like being one of those women who complains about her boyfriend all over the internet but that's why I'm upset.

love this skirt

My brother's first child is getting baptized on the 25th. I'm going to be a godmother to my little baby nephew. My boyfriend originally said he could come. But now, apparently, a scheduling mix-up and he has to go to a lecture that his friend invited him to many many weeks ago. A lecture his friend paid for and feels like he can't get out of.

he's so happy

He said to me, something to the effect of, "I feel like if I leave him, he'll have no one to go with. But there will be a lot of people at the baptism." Sooo... you're not needed? Yeah. A lot of people. Just my family. And it's not like I've been looking forward to this since my sister-in-law mentioned the godmother thing when my nephew was born in June last year.

I want to try this

He knows I'm mad. I told him I'm mad and upset. And yes, he feels terrible. And I understand. But I can't help being sad and disappointed. Plans had to be changed. I had to ask my sister-in-law if there's room for me at their house so I can spend the night since I can't make the trip back and forth in one day. I'm lucky they have a big house. I don't know what I'd do if there was no room for me.

Pretty nails

My friend asked me last night if this was a deal breaker. Because I wanted to fight. I wanted to pick a fight and scream and yell. But her advice was that she only picks fight over things that could be deal breakers. I don't know. Almost 4 years together... my family is so important to me. Of course, I told him it's fine if he goes to the lecture. He feels he can't get out of it. It's important to his friend. I let him know I'm upset but he should go if that's what he wants. I can't make him back out on his friend. Just like he can't force me to stop being upset. Hell, I can't even stop myself.

My nephew. Adorable. I can't wait to be with him. And snuggle him. The second picture in the top row is my brother playing peek-a-boo. The last picture is my nephew and his brother, Kai. I can't wait to play with Kai... video games... maybe watch a movie?

Maybe I'll bring my beads again and we'll make some jewelry together.

Sigh. I'm exhausted. Being angry is tiring.

Stressed and Depressed

Some people lose weight when they're stressed out. I gain. Even if I have no appetite. Even if I don't eat the whole day... I gain.

Some people sleep more when they're anxious about something. I wake up in the middle of the night. Or can't sleep for days.

I haven't heard back about my two job interviews. Both seemed to have gone really well. One job will get me back to what I was making at Borders... maybe even more. The other would be so rewarding and fun.

For two nights now, I've bolted upright in the middle of a dream... woken up several times during the night with my heart racing. Bad dreams, my boyfriend thinks. But when I wake up, my mind goes to money problems, disappointing people with my lateness, or wondering how we're going to get through the next few days. And then I can't fall asleep for a while... and once I do, it's only for an hour before it happens again.

Unbelievably stressed out and I don't understand why it comes in spurts. Most days, I'm fine. Most days, I can deal with the pressure and the unknown but sometimes, whether for days or weeks, I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. My hair falls out. I'm just a wreck.

But my problems aren't worse than they were... they just seem worse. I'm still in the same place I was in September- unemployed. The bills are the same. Everything... the same. I just can't figure it out.

Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough to find a job. Perhaps people don't want to employ an ex-GM as an underling. Blah.

Sorry to be so depressing. On the bright side, I'm working on something pink. I can't possibly stay depressed while working on pink things.

Just Make It Stop

 I'm tired of being stressed out so much.

 Two of my friends transferred out of my store because it was on a list of possible stores closing/going into liquidation this week. We find out this week if it's going to happen.

 They talked me into not quitting a few months back. You can imagine how I feel right now.

 An ache in my chest, really. Love these ladies. And I'm feeling abandoned.

  I know they did this for themselves and that it was a good move for them so part of me is happy. Most of me is happy.

 But that small part that is hurting... well... it hurts.

 I'm a drama queen. It's not like we were going to drive off a cliff together. I understand. Really.

I can't move back in with my parents. All this jewelry and art making would end. Not to mention my boyfriend of 3 years wouldn't be able to go with me. My friends... sigh...

Can I live off of my jewelry?

Down but not out

My job is burning me out. I am not loving my new boss. I come home most nights and just go right to sleep... no jewelry making done. At work, on my lunch breaks, I've taken to just sitting and listening to my audio books... no jewelry making done. And on my days off, I sleep til I can't sleep any more... but... then I'll get up and get some jewelry making done.

Not much, as you can see from the pictures above, but something.

These will be in the shop tonight.

Oh, btw, I'm thinking of going back to school... YAY!... yay?

Who is "Ahtee?"- Week 10

I lost my job this past week. I have mentioned it briefly but, for my own sanity, I need to dedicate an entire post to it. So here's my story:

I was a shelver, bookseller, kids expert, merchandising supervisor, and "Sales Account Representative" (school orders). And now, I am a former Borders employee... laid-off because my current two positions (merch sup/SAR) were no longer available.

I started at Borders in October of 2007. At the time, I was still going to art school and needed some extra money. I started as an overnight shelver. I would go to school in the morning, sleep for a few hours, work from 10pm to 7am (sometimes 6am), drive to school, sleep in my car or do some homework, then go to class. I would fit in eating when I had time.

The night shelving crew was moved to day because it was costly to have an overnight crew (they re-instated the overnight crew a few months after that decision was made). Sometime after, my mother told me that, even though she said she had money for my tuition that year, she apparently didn't and the money was going to my sister (she's going to become an RN, my mom says). I was angry... I was frustrated. I dropped out. Went to full-time.

Fast forward to late 2009. Our district manager left and my general manager was asked to fill in until they found a replacement. That meant a key-holder position was available. I wanted to be the Inventory Supervisor. I left a message with my general manager, but he promoted someone who joined the team after me... and I was told he didn't get my message. I was told that I was just as good and the decision was actually up to the previous district manager. I bought it... afterall, why would he lie? He's a good man.

I heard a rumor of a children's expert position becoming available. I was currently shelving kids. I learned the product because I liked it. And I like children. So I waited for the position to be posted so I could apply. I was already the person people turned to with their kids questions. But the interim general manager asked me to become another key holder since another manager had left. I took it. And that same week, after I agreed to the be another key holder, the children's expert position was posted.

I was also helping Tony with the school orders, but it wasn't really my job. He left late last year to go back to school and the task fell on me. I was told that they would probably hire a new SAR, but that never happened.

I was also still a kids expert. I still did the kids parties. I shelved. I merched. We were all doing multiple jobs. We kind of had to (and those still there still have to... even more so with the recent lay-offs).

Fast forward to March 4th. We were called in for training. The day was originally going to be me and Rod's day-off. And our general manager says he didn't even know we were being let go until the night before. I so desperately want to believe him. He was always so nice. I was lucky to have so many cool managers at this job. But, it still hurts.

I feel embarrassed. I went in to the work that morning making mental notes on who to contact for an upcoming teacher event. I was day-dreaming about the vacation we had coming up in April. I was wondering if Rod and I would be able to have lunch together.

I hadn't been in for more than half an hour when I heard the words "Your position is no longer available here at Borders." I tried not to cry because he told me not to panic because it wasn't all bad, but I did. And when he said he wasn't going to walk me out because he didn't want to embarrass me, I sobbed when he walked away. Sobbed. I thought I was a valuable asset to the company. I mean, my school orders were sometimes close to $10,000. And I thought I was a good part of the merch team. And maybe those things were true, but it doesn't help now.

I was let go because the two positions I didn't even want in the first place but took in order to move up in the company were no longer available. And the one I originally wanted... the inventory supervisor position, is still there. And the person who ultimately became the childrens expert no longer has those hours as the position doesn't really exist anymore but she can still be a bookseller.

It sucks. It hurts. I loved all the people I worked with. I had so many good memories. I met my love there... grew... became independent... learned to pick myself up when I fell. That was my home. And I feel like I was kicked out...

I don't want to be sad anymore. I will try to make this the last time I mention this in my life. I will probably fail, but hopefully it will get easier with time.

Who is "Ahtee?"- Week 6

I missed last week. I took a picture but just didn't have the will to blog about it.

This is the picture I took. I'd been crying quite a bit and you can just make out the bruise I apparently gave myself on the bridge of my nose from squeezing my face while I cried. It was an interesting week and has continued on into this past week. A lot of unwanted drama and hurtful words exchanged. I will end with this. My life is my life. No matter how much I want to do for others, if I do not and am not able to take care of myself, I cannot help anyone. I wish other people could see that.

Who is "Ahtee?"- Week 4

So, of course yesterday, after being sick in bed the whole day, I couldn't sleep! I sketched these out at around 2am this morning. It's how I see myself.

I'm told I don't have quite as big a face as I draw. Or a double chin that is as noticeable as those in my drawings... but when one does a self-portrait, sometimes they focus on what they don't like and highlight it. At least, that's what I do. These sketches were drawn with pen in my little sketchbook (little meaning 4"x6" maybe...). I wonder. Each sketch is different, but each is me. Do you think so?

This self-portrait project is fun. And I'm glad I'm doing it because its forcing me to post at least once a week. And that's good, I think. Keeps me on track and reminding me that I have an art/jewelry blog and need to keep at it!

I did a semi-autobiographical comic once... I wonder if I should give that a go again. It was fun.

Sleep calls... hopefully some new jewelry next post!

<3

Who is "Ahtee?"- Week 3

I cut my own hair (for the first time since I was like 5) this week. I had one of those days on Thursday where I just wanted to hide under my covers until Friday, and I did. And when Friday came along, I found myself to have survived what had gone on and just took a pair of scissors and lopped off the hair.

It's not really a new start. I've had plenty of those. But its kind of a reminder that I am fully capable of doing things myself. Even something as silly has a haircut.

BTW- That diet I had planned for myself? PLLBBTTT! (is that the proper "raspberry sound effect" spelling?) Our fridge is broken. How can I store healthy food without a cooling unit? Oh well. :P

Who is "Ahtee?"- Week 2

I'm not gonna lie. My job leaves me feeling drained and cranky... angry at humanity for treating me and the rest of the managers and booksellers like we aren't people. Like we exist to serve them... and are able to discount the world for them. Perhaps living in southern Orange County (home of the "Real House Wives of Orange County") makes my customers feel more entitled, but ugh. Really? "I want a damage discount on this book because it's the last one on the shelf."

After work, usually, I go home and nap. And nap. Dreaming of beautiful things. And this week's picture is me after my nap (hand carefully placed to block part of my double chin :P).

I almost didn't post a picture. Thinking "Ugh. I just want this day to be over." But. Blogging/journaling makes me feel better. Just like beading... painting... drawing. Reading a good book. Snuggling.

I started keeping a regular journal. I've tried doing it in the past only to just give up after a week or two. This journal I keep is a bit different. I write down all the positive things that have happened to me that day. Today will be no different. Because, no matter how crappy the customers are at work, there are still those customers who make you laugh and feel like you're doing a good job. And there are highlights to my day that have nothing to do with Miss Cranky-Pants Customer... the kind of person who can just ruin your shift.

One thing about today I will share with you: I found a book of puppies. Just a simple bargain book with nothing but Labrador Retriever puppies being weighed. And it made me smile. Because I love puppies.