Stressed and Depressed

Some people lose weight when they're stressed out. I gain. Even if I have no appetite. Even if I don't eat the whole day... I gain.

Some people sleep more when they're anxious about something. I wake up in the middle of the night. Or can't sleep for days.

I haven't heard back about my two job interviews. Both seemed to have gone really well. One job will get me back to what I was making at Borders... maybe even more. The other would be so rewarding and fun.

For two nights now, I've bolted upright in the middle of a dream... woken up several times during the night with my heart racing. Bad dreams, my boyfriend thinks. But when I wake up, my mind goes to money problems, disappointing people with my lateness, or wondering how we're going to get through the next few days. And then I can't fall asleep for a while... and once I do, it's only for an hour before it happens again.

Unbelievably stressed out and I don't understand why it comes in spurts. Most days, I'm fine. Most days, I can deal with the pressure and the unknown but sometimes, whether for days or weeks, I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. My hair falls out. I'm just a wreck.

But my problems aren't worse than they were... they just seem worse. I'm still in the same place I was in September- unemployed. The bills are the same. Everything... the same. I just can't figure it out.

Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough to find a job. Perhaps people don't want to employ an ex-GM as an underling. Blah.

Sorry to be so depressing. On the bright side, I'm working on something pink. I can't possibly stay depressed while working on pink things.